Hold on to your butts because this is huge. The government has officially confirmed the existence of UFOs and, presuming there really are aliens out there, I’m officially confirmed DTF.

Could this be true? I just want to fucking believe in aliens. Sorry, I mean I believe I want to fuck these aliens. It’s not weird. Look, if we’re comparing what kind of car someone drives to how they are in bed, then I can only imagine what an alien driving a flying saucer could do to me. As long as the alien isn’t overcompensating with, like, the alien equivalent of UFO truck nuts (which I guess is still truck nuts), then abduct me, daddy!

So Aliens, if you’re out there and you’re reading this: my DMs are open. I don’t know if you know what that means here on Earth, but it’s basically like beaming into my house to abduct me, except it’s my Instagram and it’s to send me a pic of that 10-pronged alien dick.

I hear stories all the time about other people getting visitations from you, and I can’t help but wonder, why them? I want you to know that I am open-minded and up for anything. Let’s experiment. Let’s go crazy! Maybe we can even have a ménage à trois and get NASA involved. Bring in the Space Force, call Bob Lazar, go on Joe Rogan’s podcast, whatever. Just let it be known that I am “probe-friendly,” if ya know what I mean.

Some people fear that you’ll conquer and destroy us. Well, you’re more than welcome to conquer and destroy me. Take all of my resources and leave me lying submissively while you order an intergalactic Uber, never to be seen again. Please aliens, fulfill my fantasy. Oh, one thing though. I have space chlamydia. Hope that’s not a dealbreaker.

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