By Bull Winkle

WASHINGTON — Recently released videos of Unidentified Aerial Phenomena (UAP) show no evidence of extraterrestrial life, said Mzorpus Klaatu, Space Force’s General of Galaxy Markarian 422 and foremost alien expert.

“Disregard my title and command,” said Klaatu to a bi-partisan Congressional panel, “it is not important and too complex for most humans to understand.” Responding to questions with what observers described as an “almost robotic voice” and “laser focus” with a single mechanical eye, Klaatu offered Earthly explanations for recent UAP reports.

According to Klaatu, one video of an object skirting at high speed over the ocean surface only shows the wind blowing a mylar balloon released from a party on the USS Theodore Roosevelt celebrating 10 days without a sexual harassment incident. “You cannot blame the crew for getting excited,” he said.

Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.), creating a Devil’s Tower diorama out of mashed potatoes, asked the general to explain the “flying Tic-Tacs” of one video. Klaatu responded, “They are actually flying Tic-Tacs. The latest Space Force breath technology. I am using one now. Mmm. Fresh.”

Schumer also requested an explanation for a UAP that Navy pilots described as “solid white, smooth, with no edges?”

“We assess that was Sen. Tom Cotton on vacation,” Klaatu said, “He is quick and agile. Like an Earth ferret.”

“If aliens were flying around off Norfolk,” Klaatu said, “I would have seen them on my frequent trips to the area from my home in the Crab Nebula, I mean Crab Islands … in the outer … banks of North Carolina.”


Klaatu added that the lack of extraterrestrials personally disappointed him because “those crazy cats from Meezar 5 really bring the party, if you humans get what I am putting down. I mean, according to what you see in science fiction.”

After his UAP testimony, Klaatu requested funding for Space Force laser weapons, just in case aliens show up without calling first. “Andromeda Galaxy types will totally pull that move,” he said.

Rep. Lauren Boebart (R-Colo.) supported the request, saying “You had me at ‘weapons.’ Laser rifles for home defense define patriotism. One with stars and stripes for me please!”

Reached for comment, former Pentagon official and renowned weirdness authority Luis Elizondo remained skeptical.

“Was the panel blind?” he asked, “with this General of a Galaxy testifying, they ignored the obvious – that Klaatu is barely qualified to be even a Commander of a Solar System. I mean come on!” Elizondo stated that the exchange proves that the DOD shared the “fuck up and move up” system with extraterrestrials. “What more evidence do we need?” he asked.

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