Washington D.C.—

Rudy Giuliani appeared on Sean Hannity’s Fox News show last night and claimed that he has been abducted by extra-terrestrials three times in his life, with the latest abduction occurring just last week.

“They track where I’m going with an anal probe that they put in during the first incident back when I was a kid, and they replace it each time they take me up aboard their ship. I don’t know if the battery dies, or if it just gets too gunked up with my fecal matter, but I do eat a lot of grapes every day so my stools are a little sludgy if you know what I mean. But this new probe, wow! They showed it to me before jamming it up there. It has all the bells and whistles. Honestly, I’m honored.”

Hannity asked Giuliani if he had any guesses as to why the aliens chose him for a lifetime of anal-transmitting.

“No idea. I do butt-dial a bunch of people all the time, so maybe they like monitoring my calls? But who knows why they chose me when I was just ten years old. This abduction, though, came at a really awkward moment because the Senate wants my records of correspondence with Lev Parnas and my other Ukrainian henchmen, but, unfortunately, the aliens kept my cell phone, which means I can’t provide it to the Senate for the impeachment trial. I really wish I could have given it up because all my texts, emails and call records prove Trump is the most innocent president ever, but, yeah, the aliens have it and are probably way past the Andromeda galaxy by now. And what a close call. I have some personal fetish material on there. I may or may not have a real embarrassing search history and some eye-opening downloads. I’d much prefer the aliens seeing it than Adam Schiff. Nothing illegal, of course, but uh, certainly questionable morally. Let’s just say I hope the aliens enjoy watching squirrels get frisky as much as I do.”

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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